Usually the lack of trust or good will between ourself and the other is such that we might not feel we want to be nice to them. They might be treating us very poorly. Dealing with someone that we have had a serious conflict with often brings out a not very constructive part of us – the part that wants to get even, an angry, hurt, confused person.. Its worth considering how this tit for tat behaviour affects us.

Continuing in the war with another person is a stressful and emotionally draining experience. It will not benefit our health or well being. Many people feel they have no choice and cant get out of such a vicious and addictive cycle. The fact is when something goes wrong with a relationship that was once meaningful and perhaps loving, we feel pain. Painful feelings are part of relationships ending or changing. These feelings need to be expressed for the sake of your health, but not necessarily with the person concerned. If you could communicate with them constructively you would probably not be in dispute. Talk to a trusted friend or seek counselling or therapy to deal with your grief and anger. With the person concerned call on your most respectful and considerate part. If you cant manage this, better to avoid or remove yourself from the situation until our pain subsides.When we succumb to bad behaviour with someone, we don’t always feel good about ourselves. So seek to find the best part of yourself and use that part to communicate as simply and respectfully as possible.

If people aren’t feeling appreciated or acknowledged, gossip can give them power and make them feel listened to. Gossip often includes a ganging up by the people who tell and listen to the bad stories against the outsider, the person the stories are about. Where there is no sense of belonging or unity, gossip can provide a superficial feeling of cohesion, in the ‘us against them’ division.

And gossip is habit forming! It can replace the worthwhile workplace conversations and professional interactions that should be part of a positive workplace culture. It is a bad habit. So if you find yourself tempted to pass on that juicy story about the boss that someone told you, resist the urge, no matter how disenchanted you may be with her at the moment. It’s hard to opt out of the gossip cycle. Perhaps the best way is not to comment on the story and change the subject to something more positive. Lifting the game in this way with benefit you and everyone you work with.

Sometimes there is nothing we can do about structures or conditions that are stressful. However, recognising where the pressure is coming from can help by not aiming our angst at the wrong source. We may be able to adjust the processes we work with to reduce the friction component. Sometimes just acknowledging that there is financial pressure or difficulty with a new system can unify individuals who work with it and focus them on finding better alternatives. When conflict arises between you and your work mate(s), its sensible to look first at the systems/conditions you are working in.

When you realise that the interaction you had with that person is bothering you, consider what you are going to do about it. We need to be careful here because if you respond straight off the cuff you can come out sounding very cranky. This can make the situation worse. If you feel your ire rising, better to give yourself some time to cool – but then go and speak to the person before the tension between you builds.

The way you do this is important – just let them know you are feeling a bit uncomfortable or would like to have a chat about something that bothered you. Note here the key component is that you are talking about how you feel – not blaming them for what occurred.

There are lots of situations with people around us that are difficult to deal with. This is even more reason to ensure that we don’t let little germs of discontent between us sit and fester. So whether it’s that issue over who gets the office car or the air of crispness that has just blown in after the argument with our spouse, try to sort it before too long. Left to fester, the feelings between us can then provoke further tension and possible future conflict. This approach can prevent much greater distress and possibly improve the relationship.

It is worth remembering that it is possible to see them differently – in fact we once did, when things were going well we overlooked or forgave behaviours that we now find unacceptable. There were other positive things happening to change the way we looked at them. When conflict between people becomes the dominant focus, it’s common for us to fall prey to what is called ‘attribution error’. This means that once we have created an image of the other as being ‘bad’ we tend to attribute their behaviour to this quality of ‘badness’. We may admit that we don’t always act well but we excuse ourselves because of the demands of our job or our financial worries, or any number of other reasons. We often don’t consider what ‘environments’ the other person is working in or what pressures might be weighing on them, even if we were once able to do that.

We all act the way we do in response to what is happening for us- internally and externally. Allowing yourself to recognise what is happening to cause the person you now dislike to behave the way they do will open up the door to communication with them. You may not agree with the choices they make but understanding their motivations will take you out of seeing them as ‘bad’. Carrying this image of them just doesn’t help us to communicate with them – and usually improving a difficult situation with someone means we have to communicate with them.

Unfortunately we cant change anyone else. All we can do is change how we behave towards them and sometimes this may influence them to behave differently. Its not easy, but worth a try!

Conflict always involves emotion. In fact some researchers suggest that emotions are the most important factors in conflict. You may be feeling angry, hurt, disadvantaged, insulted, … or any number of strong feelings. It goes with the territory. How can we move to solving the problem when feelings are so strong?

Firstly you must start with a bit of self research. You need to really work out what it is you are feeling and where it came from. What exactly is the other person doing and what impact is it is having on you? This is emotionally forensic work and you need to do it with a degree of detail. This is hard work and requires us to be personally honest and not blame the other for our response. Once we have worked it out, we can tell them – when you raise your voice at me, I feel disrespected. Inherent in such a statement is the fact that you would like to be spoken to more respectfully, as if you mattered. However, you cant assume they will get the inherent message – you need to be specific and ask for what you want. Work out what you want to change and ask for it. Take note, request don’t demand.

This wont be an easy conversation and you may need a mediator to help keep it on track. You are putting what you want on the table. Remember, make sure you don’t insult or blame the other person – just say what you think is happening , how it affects you and what you want to be different. This is assertive communication and it’s the basis for honest and respectful interaction. A good beginning to the problem solving approach.

As a mediator, one of my jobs is to help the people I work with to look more broadly at the needs and interests behind their dispute. I also encourage people to adapt the language they use in order to open up avenues for resolution. This is called ‘reframing’ and there are many ways of doing it.

The bottom line message here to those of you who may feel you are opposed to someone else’s position, try to pay close attention to the language that you use. Resolving the situation may depend on carefully chosen words when speaking with the other. We also need to be aware of the words that we are using in our heads about the other person, as these will influence our ability to negotiate with them effectively.

So the focus of our concern should come to rest not on the perpetrator but on the needs of the victims. Cloke says we need to focus on solving the problems that cause the situations of pain to exist. The optimal outcome is to forgive a person while never forgiving actions that cause pain and suffering. Such a focus may help us to act to ensure that such situations cant happen again.

This means we reserve emotions as strong as hatred for ‘worthy’ objects – not for people but for causes or systems that perpetrate intolerance and injustice.

Cloke considers that forgiveness will allow us to:

• let go of the past and opening to the future
• reclaim energy from people and situations we no longer need in our lives
• release ourselves from the weight of our false expectations
• let go of judgment, both of others and ourselves

Mediators can present forgiveness as a gift which a party can give to themselves, to free them of unhealthy pain, anger and shame. When forgiveness is compared to anger, which produces feelings of frustration and powerlessness, forgiveness produces a sense of strength and reduced vulnerability. When we forgive we let go of our entanglement with the past and allow ourselves to re-establish control by letting go of unpleasant events and people. Anger, according to Cloke, gives the power of pain and humiliation to the person we are angry with. Forgiveness is a choice to own the responsibility for our feelings and take control of them.

I acknowledge the challenges for each of us in dealing with people we find challenging and I’m sure everyone has examples that come to mind.  There are difficult people for all of us. There are also ways to deal with difficult interactions that can help us to construct reasonable boundaries, especially important for those challenging relationships. While mediation is helpful when things are hot, I suggest it makes most sense to develop skills and awareness towards cooling down a situation before it becomes overheated.

Developing a more expansive repertoire of communication skills and strategies can make the difference to our ability to manage those challenging people and situations. Part of that is fully understanding our part in the dynamic of the interaction; gaining clarity on how we are perceived by the other is an essential component of managing such interactions effectively.

As a mediator I always try to work with the parties prior to the joint session to help them to express their concerns in constructive ways. I have also found that working with people in a coaching capacity can be an ‘early intervention’ approach,  to explore and develop skills that may reduce or eliminate a potential dispute. Managers are especially helped by such sessions, as they often have a large range of personalities to work with. Some managers have been appointed to  their role due to their technical expertise, without the benefit of training in how to deal with those ‘difficult’ people.

I welcome the opportunity to work in a coaching capacity with you or your staff. An ‘early intervention’ approach to prevention of conflict seems to make sense to me. It has grown out of my reflections in relation to my practise and has prompted me to make some changes to this website in line with a preventative approach.

Helping people to gain capacity to stay out of conflict has, perhaps, more long term impact than mediating a dispute between them. Reading, training, discussions and reflections are all helpful in building our communication capacity and I encourage people to take an interest in the field. When we have challenging situations, working with a coach can be of special benefit.