CMMS

Damping Down the Embers

admin — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 05:08:32 +0000

When things get tense between people mediation services come into play to put out a potential fire between them. In the course of my work, I also get the opportunity to work with individuals in developing their communication capacity so that the embers of tension don’t become flames of dispute. So, what makes the difference between managing a situation towards some sort of workable outcome and becoming enmeshed in a stressful and time consuming dispute? I would suggest that communication skills are a component.

I acknowledge the challenges for each of us in dealing with people we find challenging and I’m sure everyone has examples that come to mind. There are difficult people for all of us. There are also ways to deal with difficult interactions that can help us to construct reasonable boundaries, especially important for those challenging relationships. While mediation is helpful when things are hot, I suggest it makes most sense to develop skills and awareness towards cooling down a situation before it becomes overheated.

Developing a more expansive repertoire of communication skills and strategies can make the difference to our ability to manage those challenging people and situations. Part of that is fully understanding our part in the dynamic of the interaction; gaining clarity on how we are perceived by the other is an essential component of managing such interactions effectively.

As a mediator I always try to work with the parties prior to the joint session to help them to express their concerns in constructive ways. I have also found that working with people in a coaching capacity can be an ‘early intervention’ approach, to explore and develop skills that may reduce or eliminate a potential dispute. Managers are especially helped by such sessions, as they often have a large range of personalities to work with. Some managers have been appointed to their role due to their technical expertise, without the benefit of training in how to deal with those ‘difficult’ people.

I welcome the opportunity to work in a coaching capacity with you or your staff. An ‘early intervention’ approach to prevention of conflict seems to make sense to me. It has grown out of my reflections in relation to my practise and has prompted me to make some changes to this website in line with a preventative approach.

Helping people to gain capacity to stay out of conflict has, perhaps, more long term impact than mediating a dispute between them. Reading, training, discussions and reflections are all helpful in building our communication capacity and I encourage people to take an interest in the field. When we have challenging situations, working with a coach can be of special benefit.

Transforming conflict at work – part 5

admin — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 08:00:20 +0000

The last 2 steps to the ‘transforming conflict at work’ process, summarised from the work of Cloke and Goldsmith:

8. Don’t surrender just to avoid the conflict – you may feel resentful and will miss the opportunity for transformation.

9. Recognise the larger organisational context of the issues- how might processes be changed to improve ability to work together? What external forces are at play? Aim for completion – give the benefit of the doubt – let go of the past and see the advantages of transformation – apologise for the hurt felt by the other person.

These actions are not automatic – they will need you to be conscious, prepared to look at your contribution and willing to change the ‘normal’ responses to conflict.

Transforming conflicts at work – part 4

admin — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 08:00:30 +0000

More steps to ‘Transforming conflict at work’ – look back at previous blogs for steps 1-6

7. Let go of your judgements about the other person and focus on improving your skills at handling their difficult behaviours. Remember, you cant change anyone else, only yourself. Forgiving them and yourself for past behaviours helps you to move on. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget, but that you’ve let go – you might like to look back to earlier blogs to read more about the power of forgiveness.

8. State clearly how you feel and what you feel you need. Do not use an angry tone – it will make you look like the bad guy. Ask them to summarise what you have said. You might want to ask them what they want and summarise your understanding of that.

Transforming Conflicts at work- Part 3

admin — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 08:00:16 +0000

This is the third posting relating to the steps to transform conflict. We have moved away from blame and taken responsibility for expressing what we need and want.

5. Try to see the conflict as an ‘it’ This thing has come between you and the other person. Depersonalise what has happened. Understand how this thing has grown and caused problems for both of you. Don’t get stuck on getting your demands met. There may be other ways to solve the situation

6. If you are going to try to have a conversation about ‘it’, make sure you have some ground rules to help you stay on track. It can be very helpful to have a third person who is not aligned with either of you to help you establish these ground rules. Certainly keeping all comments respectful, letting each person finish before having your say can be good starters. Engaging a mediator may help you to be productive.

Transforming Conflicts at Work- Part 2

admin — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 08:00:04 +0000

Following from the first 2 pointers,here are another 2 steps to this process. These require us to put aside our automatic reactions to situations of conflict

3. State clearly how you feel and what you feel you need. Our most common response to conflict is blame – letting the other person know what they are doing wrong. This approach says we need to tell them what is going on for us – and the challenge is that this is not an opportunity to express our anger or frustration. Giving way to anger will make the other side look good and encourage the conflict to continue.
This is saying how things are affecting me and this is what I need to happen. Obviously, we need to figure out exactly what is happening for us and what we would like to have changed.

4. Look below the surface. This may be part of our exploration of what is going on for us. Its about why we want what we want and often gets to the crux of what the conflict is about. We may feel unacknowledged or that the treatment we are getting is biased or unfair. We may feel that the other person is making decisions that we should be consulted about. We may feel insulted or put down. Most of us want to do a good job and want to be acknowledged for the efforts we make.

Working with ‘creeps’

admin — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 12:18:02 +0000

I read with interest the article by Jim Bright in last weekend’s Careers section of SMHerald (16,17/7). Jim proposes that its possible to manage the stress of working with “odious creeps”. He suggests getting EAP help, reflecting, understanding and managing our own emotions in response to criticism or what we consider to be difficult or unpleasant behaviours from others. If incinuations are made about our performance, as well as our own self talk( suggested by Jim) we could also seek feedback from our manager or supervisor to reassure ourselves that we are doing a good job or even find out how we might do it better ( more later on making the most of feedback). A chat with our manager might also be the time to mention, with tact and without blame, the problems we might be having with another person. In my experience managers who move to sort out any problems between staff at the earliest signs are better able to prevent more serious problems developing. Toxic, critical or undermining behaviours in any staff should be of concern to management; team work will be affected. If performance management or coaching from the manager doesnt work, mediation can sometimes assist to set boundaries for appropriate interaction between people.
Its important to manage our own emotional responses to ‘difficult’ individuals and on the other side, action needs to be taken by management if one person’s behaviour is having a negative impact on others in the workplace.

Transforming conflict at work

admin — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 08:00:29 +0000

Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith wrote ‘Resolving Conflicts at Work’ in 2000. I have found it a great text and have summarised some key points – will bring them to you over the next few weeks, a few at a time for easy digesting

Transforming conflict at work

1. Be friendly to the person you have conflict with, even if they aren’t. Pretend if you don’t feel it.

2. Disengage from the ‘flight or fight’ response. Listen to the other person carefully and refuse to take personally what is said. View the other person as separate from their actions and behaviours. Choose to understand their concerns.

The Problem with ‘amy’

admin — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 00:30:51 +0000

Conflict can often invoke a stressful response in the body and that brings into play the part of the brain called the amygdala (lets call it ‘amy’) – also referred to as the ‘primitive’ brain. ‘amy’ is there to ensure we respond quickly to danger – surges of adrenaline prepare us for flight or fight. You might have felt such a surge during difficult conversations or when approaching someone you feel apprehensive about. This response is fast, faster that the working of the neo cortex, the ‘thinking’ part of the brain. The quick involvement of the amygdala may cause us to react strongly, with fear or anger, when a more considered, thoughtful response might serve us better, in terms of fostering better relationships.

Of course the amygdala has an important function and we do need quick reactions when in danger, say we need to get away from a snake; but if we are having a similar stress response to a phone call, or a difficult customer, it may not be productive. Memories of previous bad experiences with someone can trigger the amygdala, we call up previous emotional responses and an already tense relationship may deteriorate further.

Understanding is the key. Becoming aware of our own responses in situations of stress can enable us to control unhelpful reactions. We can learn to handle ‘amy’.

Key points:

Take note of your body’s reactions in difficult situations
Pause, breathe deeply before responding
Develop ways to calm yourself and consider the most effective response
Prepare yourself for interacting with people that you know may trigger you emotionally

(Acknowledgment to ‘Understanding Emotional Regulation’ by Sandy Hungerford & Sally Holmes)

What does mediation offer people in conflict?

admin — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 08:03:37 +0000

People in conflict often need help: they may need legal representation, or counselling to help them manage the emotional distress of a situation. Workplace disputes can involve union representatives and managers; doctors and return to work officers may also be called on. It is not unusual for there to be very little interaction between these professionals, apart from documents sent from one to another to support the recommended actions. American mediator, R D Benjamin, suggests that this ‘splintered approach’ to the complex issues of conflict from lawyers, doctors, counsellors, financial advisors and other professionals that minister to clients in difficulty, can make the situation more confusing, complicated, difficult and costly for the client. Neither is it unusual for the people at the core of the dispute to feel intimidated and alienated by the experts that operate on their behalf. Lack of control in resolving the dispute can exacerbate the emotional distress of the situation.

Mediation allows the people in a dispute to remain directly involved in the resolution process. A competent mediator will help the parties to understand the factors that have led to the situation and guide and control the communication between the parties. Once the issues are explored, the parties negotiate over solutions to resolve the dispute. These solutions may need to be informed through the advice and support of legal or other experts, but the people experiencing the dispute are involved in the negotiations. If there is to be any ongoing relationship between the parties, there is a chance that they can establish some workable guidelines around how this will operate. The mediation exchange facilitated by the mediator, can model a more constructive interaction for the future. Mediation can be empowering and rewarding for those who manage to agree on solutions, or even simply by allowing each party to be heard. Even when not all issues can be resolved, the list of issues needing legal options may be reduced.

Involvement in the process of sorting our disputes is an important part of taking control of our lives. This control and involvement is one important factor in what mediation has to offer people in conflict.

The one true test for whether we are effective communicators

admin — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 19:08:20 +0000

According to Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith, the only test for effectiveness of communication is what the other person understands. Now that puts the responsibility on each of us–we need to observe how others are receiving the messages we give out and be prepared to improve our skills by seeking feedback and changing our behaviour.

Listening is the basis of communication, not talking. To become a good listener, be prepared to let the other person have the floor. Don’t just look receptive, be receptive. This might mean sitting down so that you are not higher than them, being silent and giving eye contact, always allowing them to finish before speaking. Once you’ve listened, repeat back what you think they are saying and include the feeling component of the message. Keep your body language open and attentive.

Remember that our attitudes create our reality. If you’re hostile to someone, they’re likely to reciprocate. If you refuse to behave like an enemy, it’s hard for another to continue to oppose.

If we wish to continue learning, be aware that the greatest enemy of learning is not what we don’t know but what we think we already know.